Trailer Trash Redneck Jokes And Politics

Are you fat?

Are you obese?

Are you heavy?

Do you waddle when you walk?

Are you a fat hog?

Are you a lazy bum?

Beached whale?

Look nasty?

Gross?

Fat and ugly?

Are you a worthless fat ass?

What constitutes being to fat?

If you have a little gut, a few extra pounds .maybe big legs or something, get over it already you are not fat you are just you. We all tend to collect our lard differently.

Does any of the following apply to you? Then you are a fat lazy ass.

Steering wheel hit your gut?

Can’t see your shoes without leaning forward?

Refer to yourself as big and beautiful?

Can’t find a toilet seat that fits right?

Can’t get up off the couch without making a noise?

Do people use you for shade in the summer?

Do your shoes wear funny?

Do the inner thighs of your jeans tend to wear out?

Does your compact car seem to be down on power?

Will your ass not fit in a plastic lawn chair?

Is your belly button shaped like a funnel?

Do your breasts go into your armpits?

Has a bill board company ever offered you a free T-shirt?

Can’t use a pogo stick?

Does a Hoola Hoop tend to stay under your armpits?

Is tying your shoe a days activity?

Have you ever found yourself with Google maps?

Does your mother tell you that you have big bones?

Are your children scared of you?

Does water go over the side of the pool when you dive in?

Do people gather around you at sea world?

Do you have your own booth at Golden Coral?

Does getting a custom made suit require the tailor to take you to the drapery department?

Does getting a tattoo on your back require an extension pole?

Have you ever had yourself checked for mad cow disease?

Do people often refer to you as jolly?

When you fart the price of gas goes down?

If you said yes to any of the above then you are a genuine fat ass so read on.

The following article is a tough love type of article, you may feel offended, mad, or what have you, and give yourself a reason to go grab another chocolate pie.

Weight gain can be caused also by medical reasons other than from just too much food. This is usually accompanied with other symptoms other than your steering wheel rubbing your gut. This article is meant to deal with just being plain fat.

“Some people can eat all they want and not have to worry about if they gain weight.” That statement is true and false.

Fact some people have more lead way than others as to how much they can eat before they gain weight. Some people can sing other can’t. Some people can shoot basketball others can’t. My point you don’t have the lead way with food that some have. I hesitated to make the previous statement because you may use it for another excuse.

The reason for being fat is because you eat more than you burn, it is that simple!!

You can lose weight if you stop making lame excuses and just do it. It is not going to be fun. Well I am here to tell you that there is not one fun weight loss program out there, not one.

Let me stress why to lose weight. Your long term health. Such as knees, heart, the usual. You have heard it all before so I will not drive it into the ground.

People smoke it is hard to beat. People smoke pot is hard to beat. People drink it is hard to beat. The choice is do you want to beat it.

No you do not, you want to convince yourself that you tried but it didn’t work. You tried this you tried that but nothing worked. You didn’t stick it out that is why it didn’t work.

When you are shoving a chocolate pie in your face nothing else matters. Do you remember Evil Knevil? When he was riding nothing else mattered. Evil rode with broken bones. Why? Because nothing else mattered. The people than run the marathons make it because nothing else matters when they are in that zone.

When you are eating a pizza and a large bowl of ice cream nothing else matters. You are content it tastes, good you are doing what you want to do it is your high.What stopped evil from riding? Old age that’s what. What stops the runners from running? Old age. If you continue to be in your zone while shoving your face full then only old age will stop you.

Your being fat is not a condition it is a bad habit that has you in this condition.

Your being fat is from lack of exercise, and too much food, You already know this? So your problem is you aren’t doing anything about it.

Truth is there is absolutely no reason what so ever for you to be fat. None.

When is the last time you saw a 400 pound jogger? Never that’s right because they don’t jog. When the last time you saw a 400 pounder digging a ditch? They don’t. It’s a catch 22 they don’t because they can’t, and they can’t because they don’t. Do you see the pattern?

Lets take a small history course .Lets go back to the cave man days. Let’s say you weigh 400 pounds and try to chase down a wild boar and spear it. Not going to happen is it, that is simple, so you never get that big. Lets go back 200 years ago. Lets say you get so fat that you cant plant crops, chase cattle and the other required activities needed to exist, you eat less and don’t end up a big sweat hog it’s that simple.

Let’s take the army, Have you ever seen a 450 pound soldier. Nope. Why not? Because they aren’t lazy fat asses. They might want to be yes, but as long as they are in the army it isn’t going to happen.

Have you seen a 500 pound brick layer? Nope? You get the idea.

There is no excuse for being fat, do not expect anyone to feel sorry for you, you are the one that shoved that food in your mouth, Modern food tastes good, there can’t be an argument there. Nothing tops the day other than a double fudge ice cream after a couple hams, a pizza, few potatoes, and a loaf of bread after watching your favorite soap operas .If you want to eat it then you have to go burn it. It’s that simple!

You can be short.

You can be ugly.

You can be tall.

You can be stupid.

Those things you can not change, but you can change your weight.

You don’t have big bones like your mothers says, you are fat, jump on the scale if you cant see the numbers then you are a lazy fat ass.

You may not have always been a lazy fat ass, but once you get so big you will become one because it is uncomfortable to do anything .Rome wasn’t built in a day and losing that lard won’t happen in a day either.

Perhaps you lost weight just to get the habit back and gain it all over again. Why? You only needed a reason whether it be your spouse done this or that or your poodle won’t stop pissing on the carpet. Perhaps you found out everyone is still an asshole whether you are skinny or fat.

Its takes determination to lose the weight, so you figure you have been good and are entitled to have feasting frenzies and you are back where you started. Others do it for a form of self punishment, perhaps they are not as accomplished as they want to be so it is easier to blame it on their weight.

‘I don’t hardly eat a thing and I just blowup.” Bull crap you can not convert air into lard.

“Those diet plans do not work.” You are correct, they do not.

You have to have your own plan, you will then succeed, additionally I will add do not torture yourself then begin to feast again, the first month is the hardest then it is a piece of cake(oops sorry about that) after that. You don’t need any dumb diet plan, you know you eat to much and that is where the problem is.

How much weight do you need to lose? 50 pounds? 100 pounds?

Do not go for a little at a time, there are no small steps here. We pick our target and go to it. The length of time to reach your target weight depends on the amount of reserve you are storing on your body.

The faster we do this the better off we are for many reasons. You don’t have to buy as many clothes during this process, this saves you money, this gives you extra money to be good to your self with other things, for the price of a pair of jeans to just not to fit anymore can get expensive, so we take the weight off fast. Another important reason is we see results when we hit the scale this is the most important one .People praise us for losing lard, people will see it.

You have the opportunity to become a lean mean machine. All that abuse at the buffet has a bonus. You ask “what is that you make no sense.” I will tell you why, now your fat ass gets the benefit of working out just by moving around. Example let me strap 75 pounds on me and leave it there everything I do I will be packing the 75 pounds, this will strengthen you quickly. The backpack will be gone you will be strong, feel good, and not tire easily. Therefore the fatter you are the better, if you weigh 425 now you can become a lean mean 225 pound ass kicking machine ,who is use to packing 200 pounds around.

You have energy to burn right now and it don’t cost a dime. The problem is it is not fun packing this lard around.

Lets get started with some math. The equation is approx. 3500 calories is equal to 1 pound. Eat 3500 calories more than you burn and you have gained a pound. The other side of the coin is for every 3500 caloies you burn and don’t eat then you lose a pound. STOP do not close this page these sound like high numbers but they are not. You burn about 80 calories an hour just sleeping. Sitting and awake will raise the number to about 150 for an overly weight person at 400 pounds. Walking will burn about 400 calories an hour. The bigger you are the more you burn because you are carrying more.

You don’t have to run! You don’t have to Jog! You don’t have to chop wood! You do have to get off your fat ass however and do something. Walking around the house is the best way to start. Sweeping will burn a fair mount. Now we have an acceptable exercise program. Sleep 8 hours, walk 2 hours, around the house sit up the rest and going the bathroom 3 times a day brushing teeth shower ect and we have 3500 calories see how easy that was!

Basically if we did not eat we would lose 1 pound a day!!!! That is fast!!!! More if we ran jogged or rode a bike but lets keep it simple and doable.

The diet plan, morning breakfast is good strong coffee the regular kind we are after the stimulant===coffee is the key here to losing weight .How? It curbs the craving for food ,yes you can put sugar in it but no creamer. Sugar is not as bad a villain as you think coming in at only 16 calories a spoon or cube. In other words an entire box of sugar cubes is only half of what you are going to be burning in a day doing no more than walking around the house a little. You do that already but I want you to do it some more. DO NOT overdue any exercise or you will become hungry. You are going to live on sugared coffee all day. Sugar is ok! Got it.

Take a good multi vitamin every morning. Drink coffee all day. Do drink water periodically through the day as coffee can dehydrate you. This is a must? Be sure to include water, Now for a bonus lets make that cold water from the fridge or ice water. Why because it takes a lot of fuel for your body to warm it up that is why, and you done nothing but drink ice water!!

We are going to have something to eat, you are saying my diet plan sucks big time. Yes you get to eat —before you go to bed. What do you eat you ask ? Cereal with milk .This is because you do need some protein, milk has it and peanuts have it. Cereal also has nutrients .The kind isn’t really not that important but do switch to different types such as corn flakes, shredded wheat, cheerio type. Can I put sugar on it? Damn straight you can, you deserve it, your cereal is however or whatever kind you want. This to be eaten 4 nights a week before bed time. The 3 remaining days you eat lean turkey. No bread just turkey. 5 to 7 slices with a chase of milk.

How much cereal do I get to have? 2 cups of cereal with one cup of milk. That does not sound like a lot. Measure it out with a real measuring cup they are larger than coffee cups. This turns out to be a big bowl of cereal with milk and sugar.

Important points YOU HAVE TO DRINK COFFEE because it is the stimulant. If you can not drink 2 or 3 pots of coffee a day then get caffeine pills. Then you must drink sweet tea or Koolaid or whatever. Failure to have the caffeine will result in the body slowing its calorie burn rate, which means when you have reached your target you will have trouble keeping it there.

The above diet is based for 300 pound diet weight. If you weigh more the INCREASE your intake slightly if you weigh less then DECRAESE you intake slightly.

Every 9 days cut your coffee in half and eat healthy foods which are low in fat but do not exceed 2400 calories, choose high protein foods during this day and stay away from fat. Adjust slightly as explained above if you are over 300 pounds or under 300 pounds.

“How much weight do I lose with your plan?” Are you ready? 23 pounds a months, more if you include mild exercise.

Wow!!

“But what if I do not want to lose it so fast?” Then you are copping out already that is what, so don’t even bother.

To lose your weight you have to make that decision to just do it. It is not near as miserable as you think the sweet coffee plays a very important role

Bonus! Unbuttered Popcorn is ok.3 or 4 handfuls a couple times a week.

When do you start? As soon as you go ahead and eat whatever is in your fridge that will spoil, waiting 2 or 3 days won’t hurt you any.

“Everything I look at is starting to look like a ham what do I do?” Drink your sweetened coffee as instructed.

“I am so sick of coffee I want to quit”. Gradually decrease your coffee intake to a pot a day over a 3 day period, if your hunger is staved off then just remain at a pot a day.

100 days later

“What do I do with the huge jeans that don’t fit anymore? ”Stuff a coupe bales of straw in them and make a nasty looking scarecrow.

“I can’t keep the chicks off me dude what do I do? ”Send me a personal e-mail with some pics. I will see what I can do

“My husband wants to have sex all the time now what do I do?” Give it to him.

‘You turned my life around how can I ever repay you?’ You don’t, you teach my system to someone in need.

“My boss has been flirting now and wanting sex what do I do, do I sleep with him?” No! You manipulate more money out of him.

‘How do I keep the weight off now that I have reached my target” You give yourself a zone 5 pounds either way from your target. Adjust your diet with your activities, if you get out of your zone take care of the problem right now. Go back to my system for 3 days and lose 2 pounds while it is very easy to accomplish, then slowly work your way back to your target.Do not ever get more than 1 pound out of your target. Example your target is 185 –as long as you are between 180 and 190 all is fine,when you hit 191 got back to my plan for 3 days to be back down to 189 then slowly work your way back to 185.The key here is to just do it while it is easy.

Eat sugars to curb appetite, stay away from fats.

Now that you are in shape again pick up a hobby it does not have to be tiring ,just something burn a few once in a while.

Eat sweets before your main meal this will curb your appetite.

Good luck.